Travel mess ups….too many to count…

Ive decided to start a blog.. There has to be other people out there that will find my stuff either funny, sad, disastrous or just plain silly.. So, been meaning too for a while, and now I have my OWN website, I thought sod it.. im doing it….So here goes…

June 3rd 2012… The day my passport runs out…… I did attempt a passport run last week, only to be suddenly, in the 11th hour, be let down with a place to stay.. So I rang round and turns out one of my very good friends, a SINNERS SOLDIER of mine, was turning 50…. Or 40…. Or whatever… Im suddenly told” YOURE COMING OUT”… Now this guy , could out party me when I was in my prime back in 95,96 and 97, when a 3 day bender was average, a 5 day bender normal and a 9 day marathon session would end up with a life time ban from Pykes Hotel Ibiza, along with others I cant name.. BB,JH and others…. I COULD BE IN TROUBLE….and... "I WAS"
At least my bag, with my valuables would be safe in hiS car……. IF, hed have brought his car out that is.. “Im not driving on my birthday”….. Fair enough I thought...
Luckily Id met up with some old friends from Cape Town who would gladly let me keep my bag at their house…. That was 24 hours till I saw that again..
So, off to JuJU, Kings rd, to start the festivities…….. And start they did… Long story very flippin short, I get carried away with my bank card, got a bit generous, champagne, money out, bits and bobs, more bobs and then some more bits…… Ended up at EGG and card wouldn’t work……….. I thought it had been stopped due to irregular use in 2 different countries……….. But NOPE……….. Muggins here had cleaned out te account…… in 48 hours after being paid for 2 weeks work…

So, Monday morning, an hour after my Soldier dropped me off, in, lets face it, a NOT "go see the bank state”, I headed for the Santander… Tricky on the tube with no money and no working bank cards but the Underground staff took pity… MacDonalds toilet staff weren’t so friendly… Telling me , in an very strong African accent.. “Dis cuuubiccle, taint for sleeping in bruvver”…. Of course I ignored him, made a crude pretend fart sounds and groaned loudly…. Bought me another 15 minutes.. Had to go left to come right before meeting the bank manager for my car loan and hopefully, a little cash to get me home, Italy….

Fat chance……. Computer didn’t say no…… It said.. “ are you having a fucking giraffe???” Frank, my bank manager apologised and started talking about Ibiza… He knew the score, which made me feel a lot better… I gave him some top tips and also wrote a note to the head of Security at Pacha, wont give his name cause you’ll all do it… Needless to say, he WILL get in for Free and so will his party….. That’s what 17 years of buying dolce and gabbana perfume for the Head guy on the door will get ya…

Anyway, thanks to other good friends , im taking in, looked after and Im back on the plane to Italy, a bag of sand down and NO passport….. So, here I am again…

Left plenty early, don’t want the same fuck up that happened the 1st time I flew out of Italy for Clockwork Orange re-union… Flight booked, 5 star hotel for 4 days booked, tickets, trains and all the extras that go into a weekend of this proportion…… Everyones excited, old faces new faces, same old amazing Ibiza vibe………. WRONG FUCKIN AIRPORT………… Missed the flippin lot……..

This, time, NICE and early……… Shame Sleazy Jet weren’t on the same bloody page. Flight was at 9pm……….. Im tired and bored as 11pm strikes…. Not happy………. Eventually start boarding at 11.30pm………….. Yes, you guessed it, well, maybe ya didn’t, but Im gonna arrive on the 4th……. Guaran "fuckin" teed, Im gonna get pulled up as my passport wont be valid……. You wait……..

Anayway, get on the plane and get told “ANY SEAT”……. So I find a nice one.. Plenty of leg room, good view…… and some posh well dressed guy in a uniform says “Excuse me sir, your'e in my seat”……… I give him the dirtiest stare and tell him, “Im not moving…….” He replies “ Do you have a commercial pilots license sir””? Was really too tired to blag it…………. ANY SEAT……… bloody liars……… ;) hehe… a bit of poetic licence there.. ;)

Then the captain explains why they are running late…..Some bollox about flying over Montpellier, France, they hit a bird , and the nose cone was damaged and they had to go back to Gatwick for check ups.. Nothing serious he said………… Nothing serious??? NOTHING SERIOUS????? You tell that to the poor bird, flying home with a full belly, to feed 12 hungry mouths……. NOTHING SERIOUS…… hmmm Think Mrs Bird will have a different story to tell her kids…. SO SAD… and true…!! I swear…. Ya couldn’t make this shit up………… Well ya could……… I just did……… No, I didn’t, it did happen………. Promise……

Things pick up a little …. A half decent brunette Sleazy Jet hostess asked me if I wanted cold drinks and sex……. Wow.. Hang on…….. I hold my nose and blow.. Ears pop and I ask her to repeat the kind offer, … “Cold drinks and snacks sir”??? Not at your fucking prices….. I mumbled very quietly under my breath.. Well, I think I mumbled… Being totally deaf, I may have shouted it… Hence the moody “Go FUCK YASELF” stare I got from her……….. oops

OMG, just , whilst typing, managed to find a 2 inch long ear hair???????????? WTF……. I check ear and nose EVERY 2 days or so…. HOW the FUCK does one sneakily grow 2 inches??? MUST be over night, and then hides itself in a crack somewhere… UN BE LE IV AB LE……… Sorry,,. But random but the older readers, IF there are any reading, will understand……
Oh yeah…… one more thing for the guys…… NEVER, NEVER , NEVER, before a few train journeys, a long wait and a plane journey, shave the crown jewels….. MASSIVE SCHOOL BOY ERROR

Im here now, on the Gatwick express.. Safe and sound ……… for now.. Which is more than I can say for the poor nutter on the plane seat infront of me… Who kept chanting “Fuck My Life” Fuck My Life” and then bursting into tears for a minute, then shaking his head furiously Saying he must change his ways.. YES, out loud on his own……… MENTAL…. The NUTTER on the Bus went and got a passport…… AAAaaaaah bless him……….. Gave him a card and hope to see him at the next Sinners party.. He’ll fit right in………..
EGG or BED????????????? Will let ya know laterz…….. Thanks for listening…………. Both of you .. ;) x x x x x

ps... Egg it was... Whole NOTHER story............. tbc

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